I haven't wanted to write for a long time (I didn't want to write anything- lists, letters, facebook posts, blogs, journal entries, notes, love poems, etc...), so I am glad the desire came back, tonight. I miss not being full...
Something really special happened to me a few weeks ago. Let me set the scene a little bit- a month or two ago, I was in a place I really didn't want to be. I was pretty well unhappy, and I felt constrained by stupid habits I had. There were some things I just couldn't seem to free myself from. And the worst part was, that there were some habits I had that I knew weren't good but I didn't even really want to be away from them. So, I would set goals and I would not do those bad habits for a day or two, and then, because the desire really wasn't there, I would just fall back into the way life was before I attempted the little goals. (I am really finding out in my life that some goals are better than others. In fact, the word "goal" started making me sick to my stomach before some cool stuff started happening here.) To sum it all up, I was in a place that was getting me nowhere, but I did not want to let go of the things holding me back. The saving power in all of this was that when I stood back and objectively looked at my life, I knew that I could be happier, and I knew that even though I didn't desire to get rid of my stupid habits, I did want to be happier and was willing to change for happiness.
However during this time, I started to get frustrated with myself because I couldn't change. I felt like I was in this muddy pit, and every time I tried scrambling out of it, I would just lose my footing and slide right back to the bottom of the pit. That's why this quote scared me so bad in this context- "the immutable heart of what we are that bleeds through what we might become." I hate hate hate the idea that just because we have certain preferences and certain leanings towards certain mistakes in this life that we can't overcome them. I hate hate hate the idea that what we are inside of us is essentially evil and that every attempt at change for good is just a sham and who we really are (sinful, evil) will always bleed through those changes. When I heard that quote, I really wondered, "Is that really true? Are these habits that I have really who I am? Should I just embrace my poor decisions because there's no getting around having them?" The quote seemed to be true because I really tried goal after goal to change with no success, and I was getting scared.
Then I started to think about the principle of having a change of heart. You know how sometimes some thoughts come to you and they just feel good? Like you are swimming around in some sort of uncomfortable, red, fiery air and you feel like you have heart burn all of the time, and then a giant drop of cool, refreshing water splashes you in the face and you think, wow, this feels good? That's how this thought came to me, and generally when I get those thoughts, they are not my own thoughts, per say, but flashes of light from Heaven. What came to me were things expressed here- "and they did all declare unto the people the selfsame thing—that their hearts had been changed," and that "the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, ...has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." And I asked myself "have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"
I knew that this was the way out- a mighty change of heart. This sounds strange, but I had to have a new heart, one that had new, better desires (there were things that I knew were good for me that I didn't want. I needed a heart that wanted those things). I had to have a heart that didn't just take goals step by step to get away from habits, but one that was new and that had a chance to make new habits.
So, I started it all off with a fast and a prayer. After that, my goals changed. I went from wanting to change a habit to wanting to change my heart. C.S. Lewis said something cool, "Christ says, ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. … Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours." I realized that I had been chopping at branches, trying to cut one here and one there, when I actually needed to be going for the roots. I wanted a whole new me, not a pruned me. Eventually, over a short time I had experiences that shaped and prepared me, and then I had an experience that changed me. It's impossible to describe and better left unsaid, but my heart...I am different now, and that means everything to me. My desires are new. My habits are new. My heart is new. I can change, and even though nothing like this is permanent without work, I am different now, which means that the immutable heart of what we are, when it does bleed through, can be a good, new heart.
Love sincerely,
Zach J. for Johnson
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